WHAT DO YOU WANT MOST OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? Written by: Dr. Brett Sparks, Licensed Psychologist, Certified Intensive Lead Therapist, National Institute of Marriage In February’s newsletter and on our website, we ran a survey asking respondents what they most want out of their relationships.  We asked people to choose what they most want from the following list: companionship, emotional safety, passion, unconditional acceptance, trust, and financial security.        Here is what we found: 276 people responded to the survey.  Many thanks! Three quarters of the respondents were women  82% were married, 8% had never married, 11% were single but previously married 36% were between the ages of 40-49, 26% between 30-39, 20% between 20-29 and 16% between 50-59 Overall, unconditional acceptance and companionship were the two most commonly selected wants.  An equal number of respondents chose these and they totaled 44% of those who responded.  Trust and emotional safety were the next two that were most commonly selected and they made up 38% of responses. Only 3% wanted financial security. Men most commonly selected unconditional acceptance followed closely by companionship as their wants from relationship.  None of the men selected financial security as something they most want. The highest number of women chose emotional safety but it was closely followed by unconditional acceptance, companionship, and trust. Age made some difference as to the want selected:  - Those in their 50s wanted unconditional acceptance.  -Those in their 40s wanted trust.  -An equal number of those in their 30s wanted unconditional acceptance and    companionship. -An equal number of those in their 20s wanted trust and emotional safety. Those who have never married wanted companionship while those who had been previously married wanted unconditional acceptance. We also had an “other” option of which 7% of respondents selected.  Of those who selected this option, many indicated they wanted more than one of the wants that were listed.  Here are some of the other wants that were mentioned by respondents: spiritual intimacy, love, honesty, intimacy, security, partnership, and respect. In summary: Our survey only listed a few of the many wants and desires that we might have for relationships.  Interestingly of those that we listed, there was no one that stood out above all the rest and four were within a few percentage points of one another.  When respondents wrote in their wants, many of them simply combined several of the wants that were listed suggesting that we might most want more than one thing from our relationships.  Certainly our relationships provide a variety of benefits to our lives.  Finally, life stage might make a difference in what someone is truly wanting as we found some differences among the age groups and the wants they selected most.  This makes sense given that we are developing, maturing (hopefully), and changing throughout life.   It is natural for us to have wants and desires in and of our relationships.  When our wants and desires are met we typically describe life and relationship as very pleasing and enjoyable.  When these desires are unmet, life and relationships can be quite challenging.  Relationships often sink or swim based on how well we manage our unmet wants, desires, and expectations.  Therefore, let me encourage you today to get a good understanding of your own wants and desires.  Take some time to think through what it is you want from your relationship with your spouse.  Once identified, ask yourself if your wants and expectations are reasonable (you may invite the Lord and wise counsel to help you determine this).  Then, share them with your spouse.  Consider that your spouse cannot and will not meet every want and desire that you have.  It is not possible for another person to do that for us.  Identify what happens for you when your wants are not met.  Look for ways to continue to be the best person you can be even when those expectations are not met.  At the same time as you are discovering more about you, take some time to learn more about your spouses’ wants and desires.  Think about getting a Ph.D. in your spouse by attempting to understand as much as you can about him or her.  As you learn what your spouse wants then look for ways to meet those wants-not as an obligation, but as a gift to your spouse.  Discovering yours and your spouses’ wants will be life long with likely changes along the way.  My hope is that you enjoy the journey of discovery. Click here to download a form (pdf) that can aid you in identifying relational desires. Additionally, our website contains various articles and resources on marriage and relationship topics.   Note: Please keep in mind that definitive conclusions should not be based on the results of this survey.  The information given here is merely descriptive and is intended to inform and perhaps generate ideas for further study.  It is not intended to stand alone as scientific study.