HOW IMPORTANT IS PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY?

Written by: Dr. Brett Sparks, Licensed Psychologist, Certified Intensive Lead Therapist, National Institute of Marriage

In April, we ran a survey in our monthly e-newsletter asking respondents what they thought about personal responsibility.  We defined personal responsibility as taking full responsibility for your own emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental wellbeing.  We then wanted to know what folks thought about how important it was to quality relationships, how beneficial it is, what the risks are, and the ways in which we have difficulty being overly responsible for others or giving up responsibility to others.  We had 95 respondents (Thank you!) and here is what we found:

When asked how important is personal responsibility to the quality of relationships (82 respondents):

• 99% said it was either important or very important (63%)
  
  Comment: We find in our Intensives that one of the most challenging concepts to grasp is the idea of personal responsibility.  In fact, one of our therapists refers to it as “the best marriage advice that no one wants to hear.”  It seems that most couples who enter marriage therapy are looking for ways that their spouse needs to change for them to feel better and the marriage to work out.  Imagine the surprise when one of the first things that they learn here is that each individual is actually responsible for their own well being and what they choose to contribute to the relationship.  We believe that when two partners in a marriage make this choice the marriage will benefit greatly.  Marriage researchers Scott Stanley, Howard Markman and Susan Blumberg seem to capture this when they say, “A great marriage is predicted not so much by your finding the right partner as by your being the right partner.”  Overall, it appeared that those who responded to our survey would agree with them.

When asked about all the potential benefits of personal responsibility, respondents indicated:

• The most identified benefit was better ability to manage hurt and pain at 78%
• It was closely followed by freedom to be genuine with others (77%), increased maturity (77%), and others feeling emotionally safe (68%)
• No respondent indicated that there was no benefit to taking personal responsibility
• The highest number of men chose freedom to be genuine while the highest number of women chose better ability to manage hurt and pain (see Table 1 below).
  
  Comment: While the concept may be hard to hear and/or difficult to grasp, respondents to this survey felt very strongly about its importance to relationship quality and the benefits it holds.  Everyone who responded to the survey thought there was definitely some benefit to taking personal responsibility.  Three benefits were identified by over 75% of the survey respondents—better ability to manage hurt and pain, freedom to be genuine with others, and increased maturity.  Taking personal responsibility never means that we are superhuman and impervious to the wounds and difficulties of relationship.  Relationships are inherently painful (just ask God), yet personal responsibility empowers us to tend to and care for that pain while being the person of integrity we desire to be.

When asked about potential risks of taking personal responsibility:

• The most identified risk was being perceived as selfish or uncaring (48%)
• Followed by: accepting blame (40%), others might take advantage of me--doormat (38%), being unfairly blamed (36%), decreased emotional safety (20%), and less freedom to be genuine (9%)
• Approximately 10% thought there would be no consequences/risks
• Women most often chose being perceived as selfish or uncaring while men chose equally between being perceived as selfish or uncaring and being taken advantage of (see Table 2 below).
  
  Comment: While we identified some risks for personal responsibility, most of these are beliefs that can be challenged especially if one is taking on the job of personal responsibility.  For example, if I am truly and earnestly in charge of my own well-being and my actions, can I really be a doormat?  If I am perceived by others as selfish for assuming personal responsibility is that the truth?  The risk is perhaps that others won’t like that we assume responsibility, but could that just be an example of the cliché, maybe they weren’t a real friend anyway?  Think about it.

When choosing between a spouse, children, work colleagues, parents, siblings, church members or others:

• The relationship that respondents identified as having the most difficulty being overly responsible for was with their spouse (60% of respondents).  Children were next at 49%. (See Table 3 below)
  
• The relationship that respondents indicated they would most likely abdicate responsibility was to their spouse (46%).  Children were next at 40%. (See Table 4 below)
  
  Comment: It is not surprising that a spouse and children come in so highly in the ratings when it comes to being over responsible or giving up personal responsibility.  These are the folks we are around the most.  They are also the people who are most affected when we do or don’t do a good job with personal responsibility.  However, they too have to accept the mantle of personal responsibility (young children obviously cannot, but as they age they should be assuming more and more responsibility to prepare them for adulthood).  Amazingly, we forgot to have friends as an option—thanks to those of you who thought of it. 

• Slightly more men chose work colleagues (47% of 15 respondents) than spouse (40%) as the person to whom they would abdicate personal responsibility. (See Tables 3 and 4 below)
  
• Women chose their spouse followed closely by children as the relationship in which they would most likely be overly responsible (59% and 55%) and abdicate responsibility (47% and 44%) (See Tables 3 and 4 below)
  
  Comment: Interestingly there are some gender differences (not to be taken too seriously here because of our small survey size especially for the men).  Women had spouses and children as those to whom they would most likely be overly responsible or give up responsibility.  Men on the other hand had their spouse and co-workers as the people to whom they tend to abdicate responsibility.  The differing societal roles may be at play here.  Women are generally expected to be there in many and varied ways for their spouse and children while men are generally expected to be in the workforce and have fewer expectations in child rearing.  Whether this is the way it should be or not, it does seem to be the general view of our society.                 

Detailed survey results:

80% were women

42% between the ages of 40-49
27% between the ages of 30-39
19% between the ages of 50-59
8% between the ages of 20-29                     

85% were married
12% were single, previously married
3% were single, never married

Of those who were married (77 respondents):
34% were completely dissatisfied to dissatisfied with their marriage
18% were neutral
48% were satisfied to very satisfied

Of those where were married (77 respondents):
31% were very unhappy to unhappy in their marriage
22% were neutral
47% were happy to very happy in their marriage

Table 1: Benefits of Personal Responsibility by Gender

	Men (15 respondents)	Women (67 respondents)
Freedom to be genuine with others	80	76
Increased maturity	73	76
Better ability to manage hurt and pain	67	81
Other’s can feel emotionally safe with me	60	70
No benefit	0	0
Other*	13	8

                 *a sample of “other” responses—to avoid the blame game, be in control of self, no more excuses, better
                   decision making, creates stability

Table 2: Potential Risks of Personal Responsibility by Gender

                 * a sample of “other” responses—disappointment when others do not assume their responsibility, growing
                    pains (see The Road Less Traveled), and taking responsibility that does not belong to you

Table 3: Relationships in which Overly Responsible

	Overall	Men	Women
Spouse	46	60	59
Children	40	27	55
Work Colleagues	24	7	19
Siblings	17	13	6
Parents	19	13	17
Church Members	11	13	14
Other	14	7	8

Table 4: Relationships in which Abdicate Personal Responsibility

	Overall	Men	Women
Spouse	46	40	47
Children	40	27	44
Work Colleagues	24	47	18
Siblings	17	20	16
Parents	19	13	21
Church Members	11	6	12
Other	14	13	14

Note: Please keep in mind that definitive conclusions should not be based on the results of this survey.  The information given here is merely descriptive and is intended to inform and perhaps generate ideas for further study.  It is not intended to stand alone as scientific study.  All numbers have been rounded to the nearest whole number.