Heart Talk:  ICU

The communication method we teach at the National Institute of Marriage is called Heart Talk:  ICU method. This method of communication is encourages each spouse to handle each other’s heart carefully.  In doing so, the heart of the marriage begins to thrive again.  This is similar to what happens in a cardiac care unit.  There is intensive care applied to a physically vulnerable heart, creating the greatest possibility for the restoration of health and vitality. 

There are two roles in the ICU method: a speaker and a listener. One person begins by being the speaker, and when they feel understood in the message they are trying to communicate, the speaker and listener switch roles. Keep taking turns until both individuals feel understood. The speaker and listener each have three things to focus on while communicating. The first is identify emotions (I).  The second is to care (C) about the feelings.  Last, is to understand (U) understand the feelings.  The following table outlines the steps for ICU.   

Steps for Heart Talk:  ICU

1. Either spouse can initiate “Heart Talk” at any time that either or both of them are experiencing strong emotions (positive or negative).  The initiating question could be as simple as, “would you be willing to do ‘heart talk’ on this topic”.
2. Commit to creating a relational ICU (Intensive Care Unit).
3. Determine who will begin as the speaker (remember you will soon switch)
4. The communication continues until the speaker feels understood, not when the listener thinks s/he understands.
5. Switch roles once the initial speaker feels complete on that topic.

Helpful Tips:

1.  Ask for time (Ask permission to share your feelings or hear your spouse’s)

2.  Share in “bite-sized” chunks

3.  Remember emotional information is valuable, private and worthy of honor, respect and care.

4.  Understand that caring for your feelings is not making your feelings more important than your spouse’s, getting your spouse to change or demanding your spouse admit guilt or apologize.

5.  Understand that caring for your spouse is not agreeing, being responsible for their feelings or trying to “fix-it”, making changes, admitting guilt or apologizing.

6.  As a listener, you can make a validating and caring statement before switching roles (e.g. “thanks for sharing your feelings” or “that makes sense” or “you and your feelings really matter to me).