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The Product of Divorce
September 7, 2008
Intensive Family Member
In my intensive this week, some of the couples began to discuss what divorce would be like. While talking about the consequences of divorce, one of the ladies in the group spoke up. She happened to be the only woman in the group who had been divorced, and she began to share what it had been like for her. She shared all the things most people don’t think of when considering what the ramifications of divorce truly are. It was sobering for the group to hear what the consequences of divorce really are. When she went to her room that night, she called her daughter, now 21, and asked if she might be willing to share what the divorce had been like from a child’s perspective. Her daughter agreed, and e-mailed this letter to her mom and step-dad about an hour later. They cried as they read it, because they really had no idea what had gone on for her internally all these years. The daughter’s letter touched all of us in the group, and with her permission, is printed below.
“Today my mother asked me to provide an insight for everyone on this retreat for what it is like to be a child of divorced parents. After all, I have a wide variety of experience in the matter. I know what it is like to be a single child with divorced parents, what happens when you add on stepparents, other siblings, the difference between young and old…At 21 I have covered quite a scope of how divorce continually affects my life. So what is it that separates me from the others, the now minority of people who have the privilege of living with both of their parents in one home, the way God has always intended?
Let me start by listing the benefits of being from a divorced home. Because my parents were so young when they divorced, I was blessed with six amazing siblings whom I love and would do just about anything for. Christmas was always fun because I typically received way more presents than my other siblings. All physical possessions: bedrooms, computers, toys, clothes…all duplicated for my pleasure. Sometimes, the more pity was taken on me Unfortunately, the Bible cautions us against vesting into material things, for these are the things you do not take with you for eternity.
But now let me explain to you what I will carry with me into eternity that is intangible in all places but in the depth of my soul. Here is what it means to be a product of divorce…
In the elementary years: It is trying to truly grasp what being divorced means, continual questioning of how and why you ended up in the situation you are in. It is knowing that for some reason you cannot fully understand your parents want their own lives, and somehow you got dragged into it. For me, this is when I started to have stomach pains all the time, hypochondria, constant illness, “stress induced” food allergies. Unexplained medical mysteries which I can now fully attribute to the stress I felt of trying to please both parents when that act sometimes meant opposing actions. I had to learn how the rules in one house were so different than the other and try and reconcile these in a way that I would not let the parent down.
In the middle school years: It is having sensitive questions that you have to wait until you switch houses to ask your mom about. It is looking at both parental examples and trying to model yourself after them…but being so confused when each one tells you different things (for example, Christian vs. non-Christian, differences on what you are allowed to watch, read, etc; who you can hang out with over the weekend; policy on drinking; policy on grades).
In the high school years: Now older and making more independent decisions, choosing who to see on holidays, weekends, etc is ALWAYS a source of anxiety and pressure. The day you get a car is no longer one of the happiest days of your life, because it means you have to try and figure out how to coordinate your school, extracurriculars, social life (of the utmost importance in those years)…and your parents. By that point I only saw my father every other weekend, and I despised that schedule because although I wanted to see my dad, I was never allowed to see friends or do anything related to high school activities because he wanted to cram as much time with me in as he could. As the age increases, so does the division of financial responsibilities. There were constant arguments and problems regarding who would pay for the car, insurance, college applications, etc. Once you start factoring in which parent wants for you to attend college…forget about it. I had one house telling me to only stay in state, the other telling me to go anywhere but in state. Dances and graduation was always dreaded, because that meant only one parent could take pictures, only one parent could share in the prom, or homecoming. Which means one very sad parent gets left out. This is when I started to develop deep anxiety, nightmares, and panic attacks.
In college: The products of divorce continue, whether you live close or far. Your time at home is constricted to Spring Break, Winter Break, and Summer. If you haven’t already done it your whole upbringing, now you really have to make the decision. Which family will you wake up and spend Christmas morning with? Or for me, which siblings will I have to try and explain why I have to miss out on seeing them? What is yet another family vacation I will miss for the sake of the other family? Who will I let down this time? It was in college I developed a deep depression on top of my already lifelong anxiety.
As a stepchild: One of the worst feelings in the world I can ever remember is when my mom brought my stepdad into my life. Before I say more, I would like to preface that now, 17 years later, I love him and consider him my father. However, at 5 and 6 years old, it is very hard to understand why a new man is sleeping on the side of my mom’s bed I used to sleep in. Or why he moved us into a new place where I didn’t know anybody. Or why he now takes away attention from my best friend in the whole world, my mother. I will let him expand on what it is like to be a stepparent, but it is so hard to be a stepchild. When I was blessed with the best siblings ever as a product of him and my mother, I felt sadness knowing that they were indeed different than me. All of the decisions between two parents that I have mentioned quickly divided into trying to appease four.
As a half/step sibling: All of my siblings are younger than I am, ranging from 13 to 1. All of them around the age of 4 start questioning why my last name is different. The older ones had to receive an explanation for all the holidays I was gone. Try explaining to a disappointed child how you have an entire other family when they don’t even know how to write their name. Now, instead of trying to juggle pleasing 4 people, I was faced with pleasing 10. That is only complicated when one of the young ones cry when you leave, because they know it will be days or weeks until you see them again.
And beyond: I am out of college. I am fully financially independent, and am past the time in my life where one parent can tell me what decisions I will make regarding holidays, etc. I am also engaged, and am dreading the time where I will actually plan my wedding. Who will walk me down the aisle? How can I make the seating arrangements so the awkwardness is relieved the most? When I give birth, who will be in the room with me? Who will I invite to my children’s birthday?
It is pretty interesting to me when I hear people in the workplace discuss how separating and divorce is better for a child, especially when the reason is “because they won’t hear us fight anymore”. To think that raising children from two different households, even if amicable, even if the ideals are not opposing…and to not have conflict…is incredibly unrealistic. When you divorce, you may move on…but your child carries that with him or her forever. Because while you may not always be the husband or wife of your spouse, your children will always be your children. And therefore, they will have to carry that burden every day, through every celebration and tragedy, joy and disappointment.
What robs you even more is those moments you can never take back. Think about five or ten days in the last season or year that were just amazing days you shared with your kids. Now subtract half. Imagine erasing them completely from your memory, moments that your spouse next to you will get to carry with them for life and you will not. That is the reality of shared custody. You lose out on the big events, the small. You miss out on hearing your child’s thoughts, questions, and dreams because they don’t want to discuss them twice. You are robbed of the control and decision making abilities you have for your child, because when they are not in your home they are no longer under your jurisdiction. But most of all you miss out on having a child grow up in a home the way God intended it to be.
These are the products of divorce."
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